Monday 22nd August - Part Two

Picking up from where we left off in the prison, unsurprisingly, Fizz decides to grass on Ruth. The governor tells her that she's done the right thing. I doubt she has, to be honest.

Back in her cell, Ginny comes around from her latest trip, expecting another lecture off Fizz. I say lecture, she actually recites lyrics from The Verve's 'The Drugs Don't Work'. Maybe she was expecting a concert?

Ginny tells Fizz that she's heard about Ruth's cell being raided for drugs and tells Fizz that whoever has grassed her up must have a death wish. Oops.

In the Rovers, Kylie has begun flirting with one of the lads that came in. Incidentally, it's also the one Audrey fancies. Probably not the biggest competition for a guy Kylie will ever have.

Gail gets irritated at Kylie's apparent disregard for her marriage to David and keeps blinking and shaking her head a lot. Sort of like a mini-seizure. Unfortunately, it isn't.

Marc comes in and announces that the builders are finished at his house and he can move out of Audrey's, however, Audrey is clearly unhappy at this and tells Marc she wants him to move in permanently, which he agrees to. Cue an old person snog, a wincing Gail and a heaving nation.

After Gail has gotten over having to witness that, she goes over to Kylie to remind her about her marriage to David. She was having a pretty lousy birthday as it is, without being reminded that she's wed to a human rat. Gail says that David deserves better, I'd doubt this heavily. She then goes home and locks Becky out.

Meanwhile, Maria bumps into Chris in the cafe and gives him his jacket back before trying to guilt trip him into coming back. Chris tells her that he isn't interested and leaves Maria looking sad and teary. No change there, then.

At the other end of the love scale, Julie and Brian are all over each other before going back to his as Eileen walks in on them. Tiring of playing matchmaker and not getting anywhere herself, she signs up for an internet dating site.

Always a woman of impeccable style, Mary gets ridiculously overdressed for Norris' compensation banquet at Roy's, and tries to build it up as a date. Flustered and scared, Norris invites Dennis along. Presumably this is to help save him from Mary. At the meal Norris and co take full advantage of their opportunity to get one over on Sylvia. St. Emily of Killing Joy suggests that they start taking it easily on her, the bloody spoil sport. Mary tells her to leave her Christianity at home and to locate her inner cow. I'd suggest that, in future, they just leave Emily at home. She's about as interesting as a damp cabbage.

In the prison, it turns out that, out of nowhere, a previously elusive place comes up on the mother and baby for Fizz. Ginny guesses that it'll be Ruth's spot she'll be taking. As think as she looks, it can't be too hard to piece this one together, can it?

Fizz tells Hayley about being able to have Hope in with her. Hayley and Becky are both saddened they won't be lookng after Hope any more. Becky more so.

Word gets around that Fizz has gained a place on the mother and baby unit and she is soon confronted by Ruth, Ginny and a couple of other jailbird birds. Turns out, as well as a place on the unit, Fizz also gets a bust nose for her troubles.

The moral of the story: Babies - they just aren't worth it.

Previous Episode

Monday 22nd August - Part One

After last week's excitement of Norris getting locked in the Roy's Rolls toilet, I bet you're all desperate to find out how he is, aren't you? Aren't you?!

Well, we can all breath a sigh of relief as Norris is still alive and still locked in the bog. Not that anyone knows this, yet,

In the Kabin, while Gail is being a tight mare with birthday cards, Emily comes in looking for Norris. When Mary and Emily both realise they don't know where he is, Mary comes to the conclusion that he's been kidnapped. Why she would think anyone would want to kidnap Norris, God only knows. As entertaining as he is, I'd pay good money never to be in his presence.

Emily tentatively suggests that he could have 'formed an alliance'. I think this might be dullard speak for 'getting laid'. This suggestion makes Mary a little bit angry, a strange reaction as I thought 'bilious' would have been a more suitable reaction to that imagery.

Nevertheless, while having breakfast in the cafe, Mary is adamant about Norris being bound and gagged by Al Qaeda due to his "peddling of Western propaganda", i.e. the Weatherfield Gazette. Although, as Roy points out, this is statistically unlikely.

Just as Mary is making plans for a 999-style reconstruction (with Norris being played by David Suchet), Sylvia unlocks the door and lets him out. Understandably, Mary, Norris and Emily are not best pleased with Sylvia and tell her so in no uncertain terms. Not that Sylvia is one to offer an apology.

In the face of his mother's stubbornness, Roy sacks his mam and tells Norris that he will be happy to come to an agreement on terms of compensation. Norris and his elderly entourage return later on to negotiate a slap up banquet in which Sylvia has to weight on Norris hand and foot. This should be fun.

Now the serious stuff is out of the way, we can get onto something we were equally worried (ok, less worried, considerably less) about: Fizz getting mixed up in a drugs ring inside the prison.

To Fizz's relief her cell-mate returns from hospital. On seeing the effect the drugs had on Ginny, Fizz again confronts Ruth about her dealing. She tells Fizz that she has to keep dealing because she is under pressure from her boyfriend.

Fizz says she won't grass her up if she stops dealing now but, when she returns to her cell, she finds that Ginny has taken more. This prompts Fizz to put her best 'not angry, just disappointed' face on and shakes her head in dismay. She then goes back to give Ruth another lecture in which Fizz whinges about Hope again. This is all getting a bit repetitive, to be honest. I'm surprised she hasn't been shivved just for being piss-boilingly annoying.

Elsewhere on the street, Julie is getting flashbacks to her date with Brian. It turns out that she hasn't heard from him since and Marcus thinks it's not looking good. On the plus side, it also turns out that Sean is in London and, therefore, isn't on our screens. Every cloud, eh, Julie?

In a bid to find Julie a man, he suggests signing her up for some online dating. He encourages her to be "proactive", triggering the line of the episode "I'm a woman, not a yoghurt!" Although, if Julie were a yoghurt, she'd probably be Greek yoghurt - no-one's favourite, nice in small amounts and very thick.

Out of nowhere, Brian turns up at the house, apparently after he was badgered into it by Dennis, who was badgered into it by Eileen. After a frosty opening, Julie starts listing Brian's faults. Brian retaliates by listing hers. They include her not being able to talk (we are on about the same Julie here, aren't we? If her gums flapped any more, she'd take off). As Brian is about to leave, Julie stops him and the two make up and end up kissing.

Above the cafe, Hayley tells Becky that Kylie is going to see Max soon. Becky takes this in her stride but it is becoming increasingly clear that she is getting closer to Hope. Thank God she doesn't have any track-record on becoming obsessed with children that aren't hers and obtaining them illegally. Oh...

In the salon, it's a happy place. Maria crying about Chris and Kylie sulking about David forgetting her birthday and being stuck with Gail and her 89p coconut sponge. Sympathising, Audrey gives her money to get a new top as a present.

While waiting for the bus, she bumps into Eva, who offers to take her out on a drinking session in the Rovers, followed by a whole scene dedicated to Gail looking punchable, ending in a couple of lads catching the attentions of Kylie and Eva.

The episode ends with prison governor, Diane Abbott, trying to persuade Fizz to grass. Will she? Well, she's a soft arse, so probably.

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Friday 19th August - Part Two

We start part two as we left part one, in the prison.

Fizz argues with Ruth as Fizz tries give her a lecture on drugs. (Fizz, dear, they are in prison. It's highly likely that they are passed the help of a stern talking to.) Ruth threatens Fizz and tells her not to grass. Fizz retorts by telling Ruth that she'll be dead by the time her baby is walking, if she carries on with the drugs. This sounds like Fizz is threatening to kill Ruth. I don't think she is, though. She's not as hard as Shelly O'Brien.

Ruth tells Fizz that her boyfriend makes her smuggle in the drugs. This makes Fizz come over all sarky, telling Ruth "stop it, I'm welling up". Just a tiny bit rich coming from her.

Meanwhile, at the cafe, Sylvia has implemented a 20p charge for using the toilet. Unfortunately, for Kirk here is a 'no money back' policy in the event of a "false alarm". Not only that but, while he was in the toilet, not pissing, he had brew taken away. When Anna offers to replace it, Sylvia insists that Kirk should pay for it, something which Kirk refuses to do, opting to leave, instead.

As part of his grand place to seduce Tina, using his culinary skills, Tommy quizzes Rita about Tina's favourite food. It turns out that cheese on toast is her favourite. Expensive tastes, that lady. Anyway, Tommy brags that he's cooked a fish on a beach in Malaysia yet he still has to ask how to make a chicken pie.

I imagine ordering in a restaurant, run by Tommy, would go something like this:

"Hi, I'd like to order the chicken pie, please."
"I'm sorry, sir, the chef can only make food that can pass as pretentious tosh."
"In that case, can I have the scallops seared on a flag of paving from the ancient Tibetan capital of Lhasa?"
"That would be no problem, sir."

Not that anything Tommy cooks will make a difference as Tina is still trying to chat up that doctor, in the Rovers. Her main move was to bring him a beer. That'd work for me. Hell, I'd have proposed on the spot. It obviously works for him, too, as he asks Tina if she wants to come into town with him, followed by one of them smirks in which the face contorts so you can see every last drop of grease ooze from his pores.

At the prison, Fizz is called to see the governor (played by Diane Abbott), who tells her that her cell-mate has come round. When asked about the drugs, Fizz pleads ignorance, saying that she knows "not a sausage", which is more than she'll get in the cafe.

That'll be the main reason why business for the cafe has dropped considerably. Anna tells roy that his mam will ruin his business and that he needs to stand up to her. When he finally does, he does so in his own, inimitable soft, slightly awkward manner. Despite Roy's insistence, Sylvia is stubborn and refuses to relent.

Upstairs, Hayley is on the phone to Fizz, who tells her that she wants Becky to come in when they next visit. Becky doesnt want to go but ends up going anyway.

When she visits, Becky asks Fizz if she's got a nickname. Fizz reveals that she gets called Charlie Dimmock. Presumably there is more emphasis on the 'dim' part, rather than the fact she has ginger hair. Away from Hayley, Fizz asks Becky what she should do about the drugs. Becky calls her naive and tells her to say nowt. To be fair, she gives Fizz a good reason, too. It involved a fork sticking out her neck. Unsurprisingly, Fizz decides to keep schtum.

Back with our culinary globe-trotter, Tommy is wearing a towel on his head. Tyrone surmises that it's an attempt to look like Marco Pierre White. In reality, he just ends up looking more like a shit fancy dress Arab.

Later on, Tyrone sees Tina going off with the doctor and goes to break the news to Tommy, who, despite being able to grill a fish on a beach, he can't open a bottle of wine without getting bits of cork in it. When Tyrone tells Tommy about Tina and the doctor, they end up having the meal together, complete with a tea strainer for pouring the wine. An all-round civilised and classy affair.

It's closing time at Roy's Rolls and there is relief for us all, as we find out that they're not closing the ENT department after all. Phew. Our daring rebel, Norris manages to sneak into the toilet without paying. Although things go slightly tits-up for him when Sylvia locks him in until he pays.

Being the stubborn beggar he is, Norris refuses and Sylvia leaves him for the night. Norris remains defiant yet a bit scared of toilets at night, scared enough to start speaking about himself in the third person, resolving that "Norris Cole will not be defeated." Power to the pee-ple, Norris! Viva la revo-loo-tion!

The episode ends on the mother of all cliffhangers; Fizz, in her dark cell, saying that she doesn't want to watch TV. LOOK WHAT THAT PLACE IS DOING TO HER! THE MONSTERS!

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Friday 19th August - Part One

Hey, it's nearly been a whole 24 hours since we last saw Fizz doing something irritatingly naive and/or soft. Worry ye not, for tonight's double serving starts with the ginger one getting ready to go to court. While doing so, she gives a lecture to her cell-mate about the dangers of taking drugs.

Over at the factory Carla is giving Frank the silent treatment over yesterday's little stunt at the bistro. She agrees to forgive him if he discloses some of his own dark secrets. What could he tell her? That he did actually force himself on Maria? That he really does have no eyes? Maybe that he used to be in The Bill? No. None of these. His dark secret is that he got a badge for walking to Cockermouth with the scouts. Cockerhead.

At Tyrone's, Tina is busy doing the washing and strangling a cat/singing. Tommy comes in and, between some laundry-based flirting, asks if Tina is busy after work, before vanishing upstairs to put some clean keks on, apparently for the first time in a week.

Later on, Tommy tells Tyrone that he is planning on trying to win Tina round by cooking for her. Ty calls him an idiot, a judgement which is hard to argue with. It's a bit of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, mind, as, after Tommy knocks back the suggestion of cooking chilli because the weather is hot, Tyrone protests on the grounds that "Mexicans eat it and it's always hot over there." Meanwhile, in the Rovers, Tina is trying to chat up the doctor, even though he looks a like he could be a bit gay.

Back in Prisoner Cell Block H, Ruth is surprised to hear that Fizz is up on a charge of murder. When Fizz protests her innocence, saying that she doesn't even look like a killer, Ruth tells us that Shelly O'Brien (y'know, from in the kitchens) killed her mother with a toothbrush. Mad bitch.

Anyway, Fizz starts mumbling about getting out to find Hope on drugs or something, her usual cheery chatter before telling a curious Ruth about John and the murders. Ruth tells Fizz she should write a book and that she could end up posing in a swimsuit, with a gun. I think it's better for us all that none of this happens. Unless you are planning on making a living off selling mind-bleach.

She then goes to pester a warden about going into the mother and baby unit, only to be told that there is no room left. Unlucky, love.

Back in the street, a militant Norris wants to declare war on Sylvia. He is worried that she'll soon start to charge him 7p to breath. Hopefully, if they bring this in, Gail will only have 6p. Norris vows to bring Sylvia down, but only after learning from Emily that the Gazette says that the ENT department at the surgery might be closing. I don't know, after the good news about the new toilets at the bus station, they go and drop that bomb... The Lord giveth with one hand and with the other he taketh away.

Meanwhile, in the cafe, Sylvia continues to drive business away by trying to force Karl to buy something because he had a piss and, when he refuses, bans him. If I were him, I'd use the new ones at the bus station. I bet they have Dyson Airblades and everything.

Karl, Emily and Norris gather in The Kabin to moan about Sylvia. Amid some mindless nattering, Karl divulges that his Achilles heel is, actually, his Achillies. Who'd have thought? Saving us from this descending into an utter waste of time, Sylvia comes into the shop for a paper (maybe she's got wind of the ENT story, too).

In retaliation to Sylvia's new pricing scheme, Norris charges her £5 for her paper based on the assumption that up to 10 people, in the cafe will read it and that the value increases with readership. This makes him Karl's hero. I mean, seriously Karl, get a grip, mate.

After all this excitement, we head back to the prison to see Fizz discover her cell-mate unconscious. Even though it looks like it's probably a drugs overdose, I wouldn't be surprised if her body had just given up after being locked in a cell having to listen to Fizz's teary witterings. Ruth tells Fizz not so say anything about the drugs. Fizz says that she doesn't like lying. She's obviously forgotten that she's just been up in court for fraud.

When Carla and Leanne run into each other in the Rovers, Eva takes the opportunity to wind Leanne up. Frank suggests than maybe Eva should join them and Leanne tries to tempt her further by telling her they were about to rip up birthday cards before playing pass the parcel. Sounds enthralling. No wonder Eva decided to walk out.

In an informative discussion, we find out that Carla's mum is still dead and that Frank thinks she's a trojan. I take this to mean one (or all three) of these things: a) He thinks she resembles a horse. b) she's Greek or c) she's a bit rubbery.

Frank says that he's called the registry office and says that the nearest available spot is in three weeks. Carla shocks him by insisting that she wants that slot (after all, it's normally Frank who's insistent on filling a... well, you get where that's heading). After Leanne leaves and Frank nips to the loo, Peter tells Carla that he doesn't trust her. She tells him to get over himself and says she doesn't want him, just Frank. Whatever, love.

We end the episode in prison, where Fizz searches Ruth's baby's room for the drugs. As she finds some, Ruth walks in. Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuun! Tense, right? RIGHT?!

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Thursday 18th August

Thursday sees Sylvia start her reign of terror at the cafe, starting with charging for all the sauces. If that's not a sign of a cracking episode to come, I don't know what is.

The penny-pinching battleaxe even wishes they put gravy in sachets, so she could charge for that. Personally, I don't think that's a Dragons' Den worthy idea. How would you keep it warm? I'm out.

After Roy challenges his mother over her strategy, saying that the cafe is run under an ethos that is built on customer trust (no, I haven't a clue either, so don't look at me) Sylvia compares Roy to Chairman Mao (slightly ironic, seeing as Mao caused the deaths of around 60 million people through starvation and Roy is arguing against his mam's cutting of portions sizes).

After that most unlikely of comparisons, Owen complains about the size of his all-day breakfast. Sylvia tells him about her hrifting and that he probably doesn't need the extra sausage anyway because his "spread isn't completely down to middle age". As you would expect, Owen sees his (fat) arse about it and storms out.

Just after a short scene in the prison (the sole purpose of which is to show that Fizz is soppy and sobby... again), we go to Underworld where Frank announces his engagement to Carla, leaving Sean, Julie and Sally gobsmacked.

Over in The Kabin, Norris, Rita and Emily indulge in a shit, and ultimately worthless, conversation about a Wagon Wheel sized spider. In fact, the biggest thing of note is Norris getting annoyed at Dennis using the staff entrance. Actually, nuggets of Norris gold aside, this was probably the biggest waste of three minutes of my life in the past week. And I spend at least 10 minutes a day trying to explain mobile internet to my dad.

At the bookies, we find out one of the biggest shocks of the week (make sure you are sitting down for this): THERE ARE NEW URINALS IN THE BUS STATION!!! By eck, the Weatherfield Gazette doesn't half have its finger on the pulse of the issues that matter, eh?

Anyway, this excitement aside, Leanne tells Peter that she's found out about Carla & Frank. This leads to Leanne having digs at Carla, after she bumps into her leaving the bookies. Leanne taunts Carla by saying that "at least the groom isn't a homicidal maniac." No, Leanne, just a rapist. The two nearly come to blows but are separated by Frank, who may or may not have tried to rape one of them at this moment. Slimy git.

Hayley and Roy bring Hope to visit Fizz, not that Hope has any concept of what is going on, nor cares probably. Fizz, as expected, starts blubbing. She cries more than the bleeding baby. Fizz tells them that she has her fraud hearing tomorrow but doesn't want them there. Between tears she spots her new mummy mate Ruth's baby being used to smuggle drugs.

At this point, Roy drops off to sleep. The poor bloke is probably bored shitless of Fizz's sobbing, like me. Fizz says she wouldn't have been in this position if she had been stronger on the outside. She says 'stronger', I say 'less thick'.

Back in the cell, Fizz starts crying (much more and she'll shrivel like Deirdre's turkey-neck) and mumbles to her manly cell-mate, Ginny, about missing Hope. In an attempt to console Fizz, Ginny offers her drugs to 'take edge off', which a shocked Fizz refuses.

Back at the cafe, Sylvia's cost cutting continues, charging extra for, more-or-less literally, everything. Norris is taken aback when he discovers he has to pay extra for milk in his tea. Sylvia suggests that he has black tea, as it is "popular on continent". Norris retorts by saying that nudism was also popular on continent but he won't be dropping his trousers. Thank Christ. After Norris leaves in a huff, Sylvia turns her attention to Emily and turfs her out for, well, doing nothing and taking up space. If only Sylvia was a writer.


After Peter takes a phone call off a cockney geezer purporting to be from a rival bookies, arranging to meet at the bistro, he and Leanne head over to find that it was Frank pulling a fast one, tricking them into a meeting with him and Carla.

Frank tells them that they need to clear the air with each other. After a bit of back-and-forth Carla eventually says that she never loved Peter and that she was just confused. *cough*bollocks*cough* Leanne agrees to call a truce and they hug.

A very touching end to the episode, I'm sure you'll agree.

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Monday 15th August Part Two

So, will Carla say yes? Will she? Well, no. No she didn't. In fact, she stormed out. Some women just aren't happy with such a romantic proposal.

After a spot of soaking in Frank's embarrassment, we head over to Roy's where Becky is having a little chat with Chez and Katy. Katy tells Becky that she wishes she was more like her. I take this to mean that she doesn't want her kid and would prefer to buy one off her sister, instead.

Frank goes over to Underworld in an attempt to apologise to Carla. This apology mostly consisted of sentences containing no more than four words at a time. He's efficient, I'll give him that. A slimy, smarmy, shifty rapist but an efficient, slimy, smarmy, shifty rapist. Credit where it's due.

Back their flat, Russ starts an argument with Cheryl about there being too many arguments. He then shouts at her because he doesn't like all the shouting. If Coronation Street was a glutton for irony, it'd eat itself.

Over in the Rovers, Dev gives Frank some friendly (and useless) advice about how to win Carla over. This coming from a man whose relationships are, traditionally, about as stable as a one-legged man, with Parkinson's, during a fairly firm earth tremor.

Dev then mentions to Frank about Peter and Carla's earlier exchange in his shop. Meanwhile, an increasingly befuddled Lloyd comes in to seek refuge from the events consuming his house.

His respite doesn't last long as Cheryl comes in to talk to him about Chris' reservations about staying. Lloyd admits that he doesn't feel comfortable with Chris living there but he also doesn't want to be the man who chucks a guy with a brain tumour out on the streets.

Peter corners Carla in the cafe and says he wants to talk to her about why she turned down Frank's proposal. Carla says she wont talk to him but Peter suggests that she said 'no' because she doesnt want to commit to anyone just in case Peter leaves Leanne. Bloody big head. Carla storms out and tells peter she wants him to stay away.

Carla heads over to the Rovers to try and find Frank. As soon as she sets foot in there, Dev tries to pimp Frank to her. Carla desnt take too kindly to this and any career Dev may have had on Price Drop TV is, surely, down the toilet after that sorry effort of a pitch.

At the prison Fizz talks to Roy and Hayley about how she's being put on the cleaning rota for the mother and baby area. She doesn't really like this, because it reminds her of Hope. Hayley offers to bring Hope in but Fizz declines, however, after a bit of pestering, Hayley convinces her.

It appears that Lloyd has decided that he wants Chris to leave, however, on seeing Chris returning from radiotherapy looking like crap, he caves again and says that he can stay for as long as it takes.

On Roy's return to his cafe, he is immediately confronted by Sylvia, again, about how she thinks he's not running the place properly. She vows to crack down on the large portions and the free drinks that Roy and Hayley dish out and turn the place into a cost-effective business.

Back at Underworld, Frank is trying to clear the air with Carla, yet again. This goes slightly better for him because, eventhough she doesnt want to marry him she still wants to be his business partner and, maybe, still in a relationship. This causes Frank makes sad eyes. Or, at least, he tries to but he doesnt have any so they're more sad dots of black.

Over in the prison, Fizz gets yapping to another mam, in the mother and baby unit. She tells her about her doubts about having Hope in prison with her. The other mam says that it's a good thing that they're there, convincing Fizz that it is the right thing to do. Personally, I'd be grateful. Think of all the nappies she's avoided doing and, at least, she's getting a full night's kip! The ungrateful ginger madame.

We rejoin Frank telling Carla that he knows about her and Peter's argument in the shop, coming up with the same theory that Peter did in the cafe. In a bit to prove him wrong, Carla does a complete U-turn and says she'll marry him.

If smell-o-vision were invented, I'd still be mopping my house down from the vapours of desperation.

Previous Episode

Monday 15th August Part One

Straight off the bat, this week, we see Lloyd trying to poison Russ with his cooking. He then attempts to feed the same dodgy grub to Chris who, just on seeing the plate, runs off to vomit. Poor Lloyd can't seem to do anything right, can he? He must wish he was back in space.

Over in Underworld, slimy Frank is looking at engagement rings for Carla. When on the phone to the jeweller, he describes Tony Gordon as "a bit of a flash Harry". Three words, Frank: 'pot', 'kettle' and 'black'.

Leanne and Peter start the day, like any other couple, by discussing their early morning session of doing the sex. Leanne tells Peter that, like marathon runners train, theyre training to get pregnant. Presumably she thinks that Simon came from a catalogue or something. Peter then compared himself to Rafa Nadal, presumably meaning he's got some sort of nookie-related OCD.

Over at the 'Lloyd Mullaney Hospice For Angry Builders With Cancer', Chris was having second thoughts about moving in. Cheryl remeasures him that Lloyd is fine with with him being there, as he it the one that invited him in the first place, leaving out the part where she guilt-tripped him into it.

They change the subject to Maria and Chris says that she's too fussy over him and that he wants a girlfriend and not a nurse (and, apparently, free bed and board). Meanwhile, in the cab office, Karl is impressed with Lloyd's treatment of Chris.

At the cafe, Sylvia starts badgering Roy about the way he runs his business, moaning about the size of the portions and the like. Maybe if the nosey old mare was so good at this sort of thing, she would have had her own cafe and not had to have Hayley save her from the old folks home.

Becky, meanwhile, on what should be her second wedding anniversary, opens her mail to find a notification of the start of her and Steve's divorce proceedings, while Leanne and Peter decide that they need more training. At this rate, any more 'training' and it'll drop off, meaning Peter will have to stop likening himself to Rafa Nadal and use Oscar Pistorius, instead.

Over in t'Rovers, Dev tells Owen that he spotted Chris moving into Lloyd's. Karl overhears and struggles to keep it buttoned about Chris' real situation, when they start making cheap jibes at Lloyd's and Chris' expense. Eventually, Karl spills the beans about Chris' tumour, shutting up Dev (a feat in itself) and Owen.

On my count, that's now 5 people who've found out about Chris' tumour without his say so. Well, what do you expect from Coro?! They are very nearly all inter-related anyway, what with all the affairs. News spreads fast as does, presumably, STDs.

Maria confronts Cheryl about Chris moving in, saying that her, Liam and the dog miss him. She explains that the dog must miss him because it keeps fetching his trainers. I, on the other hand, think the dog hates Maria and just wants to make her cry. Maria desperately tries to get in on Chris' pity party but Cheryl tells her that Chris doesn't want her. Maria says she'll leave him be from now on and trotts of sobbing.

Owen bumps into Chris and is unnaturally nice to him, offering him work and wages, including holiday pay. Chris quizzes Owen about his sudden generosity and learns that Karl told them in the Rovers. This tells you how much of a pointless, hardly worthy of a mention, character Karl is as even Chris tells Owen that he doesn't know who he is. He then tells Owen to stick his wages before Owen convinces him he needs them to look after himself. Aww.

Back at Roy's,seeing that he is overwhelmed with work and looking after baby Hope, his mam starts to get her feet further under the table in the running of the cafe. Roy finally relents and asks Sylvia to run the cafe while him and Hayley are visiting Fizz.

In the corner shop, Carla bumps into Peter who goes to have quiet word with her about what exactly she's told Frank. Carla, guessing he means if she told him about their "little fumble", tells him, in no uncertain terms that she hasn't. As things start to  get a little heated, Dev takes an interest in the pair's exchange until Peter asks him if they still do spaghetti hoop. Presumably he's been bonking so long that he's lost track of time and thinks spaghetti hoops (known for their erotic and arousing properties) have become extinct, or something.

Back at Lloyd's, Chris fumes at Cheryl about everyone knowing his business and suggests that they'll be having bets on size of his tumour. Don't worry, Chris, even if they were, they wouldn't be able to put anything on at the bookies. Peter will be too busy 'training' to run it. Lloyd walks in in the middle of this and ends up getting both barrels from Chris and Cheryl.

In the Rovers, smarmy Frank gets a round of drinks in, including Peter, making it glaringly obvious that he's up to something. He invites Carla out to lunch at the restaurant but she refuses and tells him that she found out that he was lying about who he was on the phone to. Frank is forced to propose on the floor of the Rovers, much to the shock of those around.

I'm sure you'll agree that being proposed to, on the sticky carpet of the local, by an attempted rapist is really every girl's dream. The guys in this show make Casanova look cheap and tacky.

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Friday 12th August - Part Two

Part two kicks-off with Stella confronting Eva about the disappearing birthday card. Eva says that she was just trying to protect Stella from getting too close to Leanne and was doing her a favour.

Stella asks Eva a fairly straight forward question to which Eva asks if she expects an answer. Stella retorts by sarcastically exclaiming "No, I'm always asking questions I don't want answering." Clearly not a fan of rhetorical questions, then. Anyway, this bean-spilling means that Stella and Leanne patch things up.

Elsewhere, Chris is taking Russ for a kick about. Cheryl tells him that he'll have to tell Russ about his tumour. Chris is understandably reluctant but, after the kick around (where we learn that Chris is shit at football), he tells Russ (who is looking and sounding more like a girl as each episode goes by) that he's got a brain tumour.

Russ is definitely his mother's son because he asks what it is (it is a tumour on the brain, for those of you of a similarly thick disposition). Chris then explains about the treatment. Bizarrely Russ doesnt need stuff like radiotherapy explaining twice. Obviously, Russ is worried his dad might die but Chris promises he wont. Probably not the best thing to promise at this stage.

Cheryl again scaldss Lloyd for not being psychic and having poor timing, as he comes in as Chris is chatting to Russ. Cheryl apologises for making Lloyd feel bad, although Russ doesn't follow his mam's lead, saying he doens't want Lloyd, he wants his dad. Lloyd looks sad. I don't like it when Lloyd looks sad.

In the Rovers and Underworld, both Stella and Frank, respectively, are filled in on the obvious beef between Carla and Leanne. The beef, in case you can't remember, is called 'Peter'.

It appears that the ground that Lloyd put his foot down on was a bit soft because, behind Cheryl's back, he invites Chris to stay at the flat. The bloody soft lad.

In the restaurant, a clearly leathered Julie's date gets off to a flyer as she falls over her chair, gets hiccups and offers great conversation starters like "Do you like offle?" When Eva comes over to offer desert, Julie threatens here about coming onto Brian. Yes, she really thought that a good-looking blonde twentysomething was coming onto Len from 'Born And Bread'.

Maria goes to talk with Cheryl about Chris not wanting help off her but getting it off Cheryl. Maria asks if Chris and Cheryl are getting back together. Cheryl assures her they're not getting back together. There is far too much assurances about that not happening, for my liking. It will, you just watch.

At the Platt's hutch, David rubs Kylie's nose to in him getting to go on this course. At this point, the penny drops with Gail that she'll be stuck with Kylie while David is away. Gail, if you're reading this, suicide is an option worth considering. Try it. Go on. Please?

Cheryl decides to walk out of her shift early (again, another thing I won't be trying in my job). She goes home to discover Chris has moved in. It turns out he's also shit at football on the Playstation, too. Quite ironic seeing as it's now Chris being regularly beaten by a family member. Cheryl tells Chris about Maria's concerns and that he should speak to her.

As her date is coming to an end, an increasingly bladdered Julie is still jealous about Eva's flirting with Brian. Julie decides to make her move on him there and then, trying to undress him in full view of the rest of the place. On this, Brian decides to call it a night. Julie thinks that it's because he fancies Eva and staggers out.

Making an effort to give Chris some time alone with Russ, Lloyd says he's going out for the night. And what a night! Boy, oh boy, can Lloyd party. His night out consists of having a kebab in his taxi, listening to motown. Animal!

After this mammoth session, he comes back home to see Cheryl, Chris and Russ sat down like a proper family, just as Russ asks if just the three of them can do something, as a family. This makes Lloyd look even sadder than before. I hope he cheers up for Monday. I don't think I can take much more of Lloyd being sad.

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Friday 12th August - Part One

It's the morning and Chris wakes up on Eileen's couch. Clearly irked at his presence, she begrudgingly makes him a brew before telling Jason that she wants him to get Chris out of her "refugee camp". To be fair to her, I'm perplexed at how she finds room for all these people.

Stella, meanwhile, is still fretting about Leanne 'forgetting' her birthday. She even considers stopping trying to get close to her estranged daughter, much to the delight of Eva who gives a little smirk... or has indigestion.

Julie makes an announcement about wanting to take it a step further with Brian, to the collective baulk of the nation. Sean, in one of his less annoying moments, makes a great analogy about Eileen being a chipped plate that has been through the washer once to often.

Unfortunately, this less annoying phase doesn't last long as, after that, he makes a 'finger buffet' reference, in relation to Julie's approach to seducing Brian. Hear that? That's the baulking again.

Back in their usual spot in the cafe, Cheryl and Chris are having another chat, this time about his treatment. He has a little moan about not being able to win any beauty competitions after the treatment. This not only implies that he may have won them before but also demonstrates the shocking order of his priorities. Jason interrupts to tell him he has to move out sharpish. Not a great week for Chris, in all honesty.

At the salon, Audrey says that, even though David and Kylie can't run their own bath, let alone a salon, she has booked David onto a business course, without his missus. On hearing this bit of news, Kylie gets a bit miffed.

Another person who is miffed is Leanne. This is because Stella has not thanked Leanne for her card. That'd be the card that she didn't actually get.

Out in the street, on seeing Cheryl's anxiety about Chris, Lloyd offers to help out and says he will take Chris to his hospital appointment, despite him hating Chris. Cheryl is obviously consumed by the news of Chris' tumour because she fails to notice Lloyd's mysterious sunglasses tan-line. He works sitting in a car yet has, somehow, managed to look like the negative of a panda.

Despite Chris getting in a bit narked about Cheryl telling Lloyd about his hospital appointment, he accepts his offer of a lift. The in-car conversation should be a laugh-a-minute.

At the bookies, Stella's boyfriend, whose name is never mentioned (I had to google it for the sake of this blog. Honestly, count how many times they say his name.You won't get off your second finger), tells Leanne to leave Stella alone, because Leanne didn't send that birthday card she actually sent.

Although, if she really didn't send a card, then she would be leaving Stella alone, meaning telling Leanne to leave her alone would be pointless as that's exactly what she would have been aiming for. Duh.


At the hospital, the banter between Lloyd and Chris is a joy to behold. Steve McDonald really should be worried about losing his comedy partner. Lloyd gives Chris a magazine with an article about motown and the new Aston Martin and they almost slightly begin to get along.

That's possibly one of the most bizarre ways of patching up your differences with someone: passing them a shit magazine while they wait to get their brain tumour treated.

Pitching back up at the factory, Carla and Frank have returned from Italy. They go in to see Sally and she tells them that they still have a day left off and they should "get lost". In response to this, Carla gives her a bottle of wine. I'm probably not going to try that with my boss.

Leanne is still angry about Stella's boyfriend (Karl, in case you've forgotten), being angry about Stella being sad about not getting the card that Eva, who is jealous, ripped it up. So much so that she confronts Stella about it. This, inevitably, leads to both learning about what Eva did.

Back with Chris and Cheryl, he mentions that, as a result of his treatment, he'll soon become a slaphead. His audible disappointment goes some way to explain why, after it always being shaved, he's suddenly decided to grow it. Poor timing or what?

Outside, Lloyd bumps into Maria and lets slip that Cheryl and him have been with Chris at the hospital, despite Chris telling Maria he wanted to go through it on his own. Maria is upset and Lloyd realises he's put his foot in it. Expect more of this.

Julie turns up at the Rovers dressed as a "Brian banquet' or, what is more traditionally known as, a dogs dinner. Sean's masterplan for Julie to get into bed with Brian is for her to get pissed and Julie duly obliges in necking a few.

Cheryl tries to talk Lloyd into letting Chris stay with them. She says that, because of his illness, Chris now has new emotions. Presumably she was a fan of Red Dwarf, reasoning that, if anyone can deal with someone with new emotions, it's Lloyd. Particularly after his series of attempts to try and get Kryten to call Rimmer a 'smeg head'.

Her tactic, however, is to no avail as Lloyd is sternly against Chris coming to stay and puts his foot down. I can't see him backing down, to tell the truth. Well, I wouldn't had I not read the synopsis for the next episode.

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Thursday 11th August

This Thursday night offering of Corrie starts off with Julie bumping into a rather sweaty, out of breath, Brian while he's out jogging. Between his swigs from, what is essentially a hair-dressers water squirter, the two arrange to meet up in the Rovers later on.

At the Rovers, meanwhile, it turns out that today is Stella's birthday and, for her present, Karl is taking her out shopping, basically, so she can buy her own presents, the lazy arse. Lazy but clever.

After a short bit of Kirk trying to act hard (but just coming across as more confused than normal), Maria and Chris finally sit down to discuss Chris' potential tumour. Chris tells Maria that he doesn't want her to come with him to the doctors. He says that him leaving Maria is for the best because he doesn't want to hurt her by going all dead on her, like her last husband. Bit of a poor excuse, really. Tumour or not, she's well fit.

Audrey walks into her salon to find Kylie giving Mary an 'Indian head massage' At least Kylie calls it that, it looks a more like she's trying screw her head off. Feeling nauseous Mary gets up and storms out, expressing relief that she didn't agree to having candles in her ears. And they say she's mental, eh? Seeing this, Audrey then tells Kylie to take the sign advertising her therapies down.

Leanne agonises about going over for Stella's birthday so Peter tells her to get her a card. Novel idea, that. I can see why the ladies fancy him. Last of the big spenders.

Cheryl goes to the doctor with Chris, and tells him a story of a woman who had cancer and didn't die. Chris points out that, unfortunately, most do. Hence why doctors don't really approve of it.

Back in the Rovers, while talking about Julie, we discover that the closest Eileen got to 'her soul mate' was her ex taking his chuddy out of his mouth before kissing her. She's lucky he agreed to kiss her at all, picky cow. Completely ignoring what Eileen has to say, Lloyd contiues to pout about Cheryl and Chris becoming closer. He puts two and two together and comes up with, roughly, 4.5 (because, let's face it, we can all see what's coming).

Speaking of Chris, he finds out he does have a tumour. A bad one. Cheryl asks the doctor what this means and Chris has to explain. At least it's not affecting his hearing or ability to understand simple sentences. Maybe they x-rayed Cheryl's bonce by mistake?

In the bistro, Nick is digesting the review from the food critic that Gail tried to feed her fingers to. "Families? Don't you just love them," comments Nick. No, Nick, not yours. Not any of them.

Lloyd enters in an attempt to find Cheryl only for Nick to accuse her of throwing a sickie. A perplexed Lloyd covers for Cheryl, saying that he got his dates mixed up and she did actually have a doctors appointment.

Meanwhile, back at Lloyd's flat, Chris is coming to terms with his news. Telling Cheryl of his pride about always being the fittest person and the hardest grafter at work or in the gym but that now he's got a tumour. If anything, this goes some way to proving my theory that exercise is bad for you.

At the salon, Mary comes in to complain about having whiplash from Kylie's 'treatment'. By way of compensation, Audrey gives her a free haircut, to be taken out of Kylie 'The Boston Strangler' Platt's (Mary's words, not mine) wages.

When Leanne goes to the Rovers to hand over Stella's birthday card, Eva is a right cow to Leanne. She takes the card off Tina, telling her she'll pass it on, before sneakily ripping it up.

Chris and Cheryl continue to talk about his tumour. Cheryl tries to get Chris to try and be positive, telling him that he has " lots to live for". Well, yes, love, that's sort of the problem. Chris says that he is worried about what to tell Russ and how he won't be able to see him grow up to become a brain surgeon. At least he's got a sence of humour.

In the Rovers, Audrey is telling Gail all about her rat-faced son and his wife's therapy disasters but says that all people are young and foolish at some point in their lives. Gail says she wasn't young and foolish, she may be right but she is, instead, old and hideous.

Over the bar, Eileen spies on Julies date with Brian and get's her money's worth of entertainment, had she actually paid. Julie, not only called Brian a 'finely honed athlete' (a wonderful joke in itself) but also knocks a drink flying over his groin and, in an attempt to mop it up, she touches up him and his, err, "wallet".

In the back-room, Stella is back from her self-service birthday present shopping. She hopefully asks Eva if Leanne popped in to see her. Eva lies and says Leanne didn't bother, leaving Stella a bit gutted.

In the final scene of this instalment, Lloyd walked in on Cheryl and Chris' little chat. In doing so, he makes a ill-timed 'sick in the head' jibe and, thinking Cheryl and Chris are getting a bit too close, tells him to do one, which he does.

Cheryl then has a go at Lloyd both because he didn't know about the tumour and the fact that he is neither a mind-reader or a CAT scanner. Which is a shame because, if he was, maybe they would have caught it earlier when he first saw Chris giving Cheryl a smack.

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Monday 8th August - Part Two

Tonight's Coro resumes with Chris storming out of the house. Cheryl notices and goes to see how Maria is. She says that nothing has happened. A strong contender for bare-faced liar of the year.

Gail pops round as Audrey is painting Marc/Marcia's nails. Audrey tries to hide him/her and, as he tries to escape the kitchen, he triggers the classic comedy escape routine of pulling off the door handle.

As they have no choice but to let Gail in, Marc pulls off his wig and hides his make-up in cake, straight from the Mrs Doubtfire textbook. His dress choice may be in dispute but his taste in films is not.

Leanne goes to he Stella to talk about how she's struggling to accept her as her mam. Stella promises to try and back off and does so by immediately offering her a drink. Stella is beginning to fit in with sound Corrie logic like that.

Amber pitches up at the Websters for a night out with Soph-eh and Sian and something about "showing off her lollipops". Whatever that means. Nothing else happens here. Waste of time, really.

Lloyd is worried when Cheryl tells him about Chris. Stella's fella asks why and Lloyd spills the beans on Chris' penchant for smacking women. "I don't joke about things like this," says Lloyd. I'm going to be honest, I might so, yeah, you might want to watch for that. We can't all be as morally sound as Craig Charles, you know.

Cheryl finds Chris trying to see Russ and, after a frantic exchange in which precisely nothing of note is said, Chris blerts out that he is dying. A conversations stopper if ever there was one.

Inside the flat, Chris explains what's been going on and how he's been to the doctors. Revealing that he might have a brain tumour. Yes, a brain tumour. Yeah, YOU try and make a cheap gag out of that... I'm not. I'm with Lister on this.

Gail, meanwhile, begins her trial by being her utterly repulsive, pushy and intolerable self. Places that serve food should not employ people who turn your stomach with minimum effort. Especially when there is a food critic in the place. Helps if you don't drop your nail in their dinner, too. All of which Gail excels at.

Nick eventually sees sense and sacks Gail. Hopefully his next move will be to tie up her in a flipping sack and throw it in the Red Reck.

Stella and Leanne continue to have a heart-to-heart talking about soppy stuff like babies, toys, dreams and crying and stuff, culminating in Stella singing 'row, row row your boat'. It was all quite touching, if you like that sort of thing. I thought it was boring.

Cheryl comforts Chris and tells him he has to tell Maria. After a bit of persuading, Maria lets him in. She shares her concerns with Chris that she is now doubting if Chris has changed from being a wife-beater, not giving him a chance to get a word in about his brain tumour.

After she kicks him out, Chris reveals to her about the possibility of his tumour and then dumps her. Maria starts crying as he walks out. Selfish woman. Like Chris said, it's all 'me, me, me' with that one. Not even he's moaning that much and he has a bloody brain tumour!

Anyway, that was that for Monday. See thee on Thursday!

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Monday 8th August - Part One

This week starts off much as last week ended, with Chris being mardy and Maria being mardy about Chris's mard. As cycles go, this could turn into a pretty unbreakable one.

Roy's mam tells Becky she needs to buck her ideas up and Becky agrees. She even asks for a hug. Not that the old battleaxe obliged, though.

Nick tells Gail that him and Becky are no-longer seeing each other and she's left her job. Gail puts herself forward for it, again. This time wimpy Nick caves and gives her a trial.

Chris is still being a clumsy tit and ends up accidentally belting Jason round the head, rattling both braincells. Owen sends Chris to take Jason to the doctors, taking compassion to another level by docking his wages for however long he's at the doctors.

Kylie and David's reign at the salon gets off to a flyer, telling Rita that, "even though she's old" she can still have 'fun' and have a pink streak put in her hair, complete with a Happy Hardcore soundtrack. Rita doesn't appreciate this, for some reason (I don't know why, she always looked like the Happy Hardcore loving type, to me), and walks out.

At the work-site, Owen blames Chris for the cancellation of their job. Chris deals with this fairly well. As long as telling your boss they 'can stuff their job' is taking it well, anyway.

Gail comes in for a haircut and Kylie tries to talk her into some beauty treatments. Now, Kylie could be the world's most amazing beauty therapist and yet she'd still have one hell of a job to get Gail looking anything other than 'foul'.

Cindy 'Stella' Beale is invited into the Barlow's house, by Deirdre, to see Simon. Simon reveals that he's not allowed to call her gran but does so anyway. The little rebel. He does this on the assumption that "you can never have too many grans." This kid is wise beyond his years. Imagine the pocket money!

Simon continues to quiz Cindy Beale about her giving up Leanne. He's like a little Jeremy Paxman, that kid. Seriously, he's a bloody star. If he is not a BAFTA winner in the future, there is no hope for British acting.

Maria finds out Chris quit his job and has a go at him (there's that cycle again) and goes to beg Owen to get her boyfriend his job back.

Gail is surprised with the job Kylie did on her nails while Amber comes in for a haircut. David does it. It looks shit but Amber seems happy enough. She is an idiot, though.

Julie comes into the salon for some reflexology, that Kylie promptly mixes up with reiki. When Julie points this out, she actually gets to work properly and cripples Julie. Turns out, maybe Kylie didn't go on that college course, after all. Who'd have thunk it, eh?

Audrey arranges a night out with reptillian Marc's alter-ego, Marcia. This can only end well, or they wouldn't have shown it.

Cindy/Stella is playing quite nicely with Simon until Leanne and Peter arrive. Leanne sees her arse and takes Simon home, much to Stella's dismay. Back at home, Leanne gives Simon a ticking off about liking his gran (gran #5, that is, if you're keeping count) but Simon bites back! (See? He's a hero.) Peter backs up Simon and Leanne pouts like a spoilt child. A spoilt, given away at birth child.

The first part ended with Chris finding out Maria had got his job back. This sends him a bit mental and starts trashing the joint. He flips tables and everything. And, thus, the cycle is complete.

Presumably, he'd just seen that Greggs in Lewisham on fire. That made me angry, too.

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Friday 5th August - Part Two

While Steve's date with Beth/Cilla/Janice and her Wayne Rooney-a-like son is going, err, well, Becky cracks up the gloating before introducing herself to Steve's "washed-up slapper" date. This descends into a rather hilarious three-way slagging match between Steve, his date and Becky which leaves Nick out of pocket after offering to pay the bill in exchange for them leaving. Good result all round.

Meanwhile, Chris forgets to pick up baby Liam and Maria finds him in the Rovers. Chris makes out he's forgotten but I really wouldn't blame him if it was a conscious decision. At least this time he's got his priorities straight. Pub > Babies. Maria obviously doesn't understand this flawless logic and is a tiny bit angry. Pfft. Women.

David drops the bomb on Becky that Kylie has been granted her first supervised visit for Max. He's a bit nasty, really. No need. Besides, the joke is really on him. He could end up having to live with that drip of a child.

Back behind the bar, Cheryl contemplates one of life's most philosophical questions: "How long is a Becky fag-break".

David extends this strand by asking Kylie if she ever thinks about death. Well, David, we do. Mainly about yours and your shit mam's.

Tyrone drops Tommy in it when he bumps into Amber in the shop. I think he gave the game away when he couldn't speak a word of Greek and could breath perfectly fine. Anyway, Amber gets the house keys off him and marches round to confront them.

Before she storms in, Tommy divulges the extent of his knowledge to Tina, telling her he's like a shark and that, if they stop flirting, they die. She points out that it is actually swimming sharks need to do. The two then go in for a perfectly timed smooch as Annoying Amber marches through the door.

When Tommy's lying is exposed to Tina, her devastation and anguish is plain for all to see, as she wails about the lengths she has gone to for her, now ruined, date with the young Duckworth: "I bought you a tiramisu!" she exclaims. If only more women would buy me tiramisu. I guess I've just never met that special woman. That, my friends, is a sign of true love.

Anyway, I digress, the upshot of this is that Tommy is dumped twice in one night and is left to clean up after the meal. Most of which is now either on the floor or on his face.

Love is evidently in the air on the street tonight as, over at the bistro, Nick tells Becky that they won't work as a couple. Becky promises to him that it's not just about winding up David, Kylie and Steve but admits she still sort-of loves Steve but also hates him, too, and quits work.

Who says the jobs market is on its arse, eh?

Previous Episode

Friday 5th August - Part One

Ah, the Corrie double-header Friday. The only episodes you actually need to watch but also the most likely ones you'll miss because you'll be in the pub.

This double header immediately made me wish I was deaf/dead with Gail howling along to Katie Perry and David forgetting the name of 'Coco Pops'.

Becky stopped both in their tracks, thankfully, by swaggering down the stairs in Nick's shirt, closely followed by the slimy tart himself, much to the general disbelief of Rat-Boy and his ferret-faced mother.

David compares Becky to a dead rat, to which Becky responds quickly by showing him just how ironic his statement was, pointing out his rodent features, shortly before Kylie tries to punch her, using a pitifully open, limp-wristed palm, missing anyway. Shit shot.

Amber the irritant overhears Tommy talking about how hot Tina is but beleives him when he tells her he's talking about her. Idiot.

Owen demonstrated his failing eyesight by mistaking Chris for Ronaldo before giving him a bollocking for being a clumsy, moody tit and clipping his van. Chris ends up getting it from both sides as Maria then strolls up and asks him to pick Liam up later on. I'm sure he'll remember.

Tommy manages to get a meal alone with Tina by spinning a yarn about Tyrone fancying a Greek checkout girl called Anita Papadopolous (who turns out to be from the area of Greece known as 'Rochdale') and has gone to learn Greek to impress her. She believes this. Idiot (I'm seeing a connection between the type of girls falling for Tommy).

Steve and Lloyd discover Nick and Becky in Roy's and both rival each other for the Jim Carey Award for Plastic Gurning Comedy Faces while Steve makes up a story, on the fly, about he, himself, bagging an attractive, classy bird. He fails to confirm if it is Anita Papadopolous.

In an effort to quickly arrange a date at Nick's bistro, Steve puts on his best sexy voice and works his way through his address book, finally trying to get a date with 'georgeous Beth'. He manages to blag a date with her using the never-fail line "no, I'm not a detective. I... am Steve McDonald".

Amber, again catches Tommy talking to Ty about his date with Tina but, again, falls for it when the dopey womaniser, again, tells her he's talking about her, arranging himself a second date for the evening. Much to Tyrone's grumbling. He's probably just jealous, though, to be fair.

We find out that Chris has missed a consultancy (not-entirely by accident), making him a clumsy, moody, pseudo-forgetful tit.

Steve swaggers into the bistro, building up Beth to Becky, pretty confident the ex-model, footballer-dumping, 'most beautiful girl I have ever dated' Beth hasn't changed in ten years. Ooops...

Tommy makes, possibly, the worst excuse ever to leave Amber in the middle of a meal, telling her that Tyrone has choked on a nut in the Rovers, has been taken to hospital and needs his jim-jams. Guess what. She believes him. Idiot.

Steve begins to think he is being stood up before Beth finally arrives. Want to know what she looks like? Think the impossible love-child of Cilla Battersby-Brown and Janice Battersby.

Yeeah... Unlucky, Steve, mate.

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Thursday 4th August

And so we come to our second most pointless episode in the Coro week. Nowhere near as pointless as the first Monday episode but you're not really that fussed if you miss it, either.

Things start off at the hutch where David is offended that Nick treats him like a thick kid and, simultaneously, fails to understand the concept of irony.

Gail is still bitter that Becky has got the bar job ahead of her. Not that you could tell by her face, it always looks like that. She later suggests that a trained monkey could do the job, presumably why she didn't get it as ferrets are not monkeys.

In the corner shop, Dev speaks far to quickly for his own good while Sunita's  high horse appears to be on stilts. Dev raises the suggestion about arranging Amber to move into Tina's flat by pricing Tina out of the room. The sly dog.

In the most pointless scene of the episode, the reptilian ladyman Marc moves in with Audrey, presumably because his brother, Nicholas Lyndhurst, doesn't have a spare room.

Returning to a proper plot and Becky talks her way into starting her job earlier by guilt tripping Nick and, mainly, (again) looking quite fit. Her first customers are, completely unpredictably, Kylie and Rat-Boy, who promptly rub Becky's nose in it about it being highly likely that Max will not be put up for adoption and, therefore, will be punished further by being made to live with the Platts.

Meanwhile, Audrey asks Maria if she thinks the duo can run the salon, to give her more time with the bloke from Butterflies. Maria gives a long-winded answer that means 'yes', demonstrating that, if you are a right shit and need a character reference for a court hearing, you might be wanting to give her a ring.

Back in the bar, Nick chucks Kylie and David. Mainly, this is because of Kylie's insulting of Becky but partially because pets are not allowed and David is, well, a rat.

Cindy Beale tells Tina that she'll try and find some extra shifts for her, to cover her rent hike, just before Tyrone drops Dev in it. Tina tells him he can stick his flat and Sunita manages to make her high horse, on stilts, stand on its tiptoes. Tyrone then invited Tina to move in with him and Tommy, much to the cocky sex pest's delight.

At some party or other, Chris goes into a bit of a radge for no reason - making him an angry clumsy tit - and shouts at Lloyd, who's taking time out from presenting his funk and soul show on BBC 6 Music and his job on a inter-planetary mining ship. Maria then has a go at Chris for being moody. (Really, someone should bring John Stape back, just so he can teach them all the meaning of the word 'irony'.)

In the bar, again, Nick comforts a vulnerable and weepy Becky. Obviously, men, the best way to comfort any clearly emotionally distressed woman is to do what Nick does and ram your tongue down her throat for a spot of tonsil hockey.

And, on that piece of advice on chivalry, we end.

Coronation Street is next on our tellybox tomorrow night at 7.30 and 8.30. Yes, that's twice. You jammy beggars.

Previous Episode

Monday 1st August - Part Two

In the second part, or 'the business end', of Corrie Monday, David had a bit of a slagging match with Kylie about her, understandably, not being that bothered about that dull blond kid; Mick, Mike, Max, whatever its name is.

This leads Gail to (surprise, surprise) butt in and badger Kylie into crying about how she does actually love her sprogg but always lets him down, which she, at one point, attributes to not knowing "owt about Lego". A painful predicament any young parent can relate to, I'm sure.

Anyway, the upshot of this is that Gail convinces Kylie to keep Max on the grounds she now has the support of herself and David. If you can make sense of that logic then please, please let me know because, at this moment in time, I imagine that only a pairing of Joey Barton and a rabid ferret would provide a comparable upbringing.

All this made Gail late for her interview, not that it mattered because Becky got the job anyway, mainly thanks to her being fit and, in the Rovers, Chris dropped some drinks over Norris for no apparent reason other than that he's a clumsy tit.

Back in the Alahan household, Amber convinces Tommy to tell Dev they didn't do the deed, promising that her dad won't batter him. Dev doesn't really care about this and imposes an earlier curfew on her. He then tells her she can sod off back to uni only for Amber to reveal that she's dropped out, explaining "I had to stop going to lectures, I just couldn't keep up," making it apparent that she was studying for a combined honours in 'Gail Platt logic' and 'moronic cyclic arguments of the 21st Century'.

And that was about that for Monday.

Ta ra.

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Monday 1st August - Part One

Where better to kick off the blog by starting at the start of the week?

First of all, let's make it clear that the first episode in Monday's double edition is always almost largely pointless. I genuinely see no reason for it being there. Yes, I suppose it fills a half-hour gap but, really, does anything ever really happen that can't be squeezed into the second episode? The answer you're looking for is 'no'.

Anyway, to business. The first episode started with the ever-annoying Amber stumbling home from a night out with resident cocky sod, Tommy Duckworth. In order to try and trick her dad, Dev, into thinking she was back in before his curfew, she snuck in and pretended to be asleep on the couch.

As far as plans go, this was crap. She was instantly rumbled by Sunita - who presumably saw Amber sneaking in thanks to her perfect view from her high horse. Sunita, however, does decide to spare young Amber from an ear-bashing from her dad. This promise, however, lasts about as long as the gaps in between Gail Platt blinks, when Amber decides to sleep in and show up late for work.

Meanwhile, Gail *urrgh* continues her inability to keep her pointy, rodent nose out of things that don't concern her by ringing 1471 on a call Kylie received, finding out that the caller was social services. She then decides to impart this knowledge on her equally rodent-like son, David.

Still not tired of meddling in her family's affairs, she then forces Nick to give her an interview for a job behind his bar, after seeing Becky put herself forward for the role. Gail insists that she would be a wonderful addition to the bar staff, ignorant of the fact that the only thing she'd be a useful addition to would be the morgue (damn you, Hillman).

Mummy's boy caves and gives them both an interview, triggering a smug look on Gail's face that would make an Apprentice candidate vomit in disgust.

Rat-boy David decides to call social services himself and discovers that they were calling Kylie to discuss putting Max up for adoption and that a hearing will take place tomorrow. David is, for some reason, livid about this and goes to confront Kylie.

Seriously, why anybody would want to adopt Max is way beyond me. As far as children go, he was pretty cack. He just sits there, tearing families apart, while trying to remember how not to poo himself.

Aside from this, Marc's had his house flooded so Audrey invites him to live with her and Steve does a bit of aimless faffing in an attempt to find out where Tracy is, although I'd say giving up his daughter would be a fair swap for never having to see Tracy again.

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